No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year