Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
You Might Also Like
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.