[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
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Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot