even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
work smarter, not harder
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?