My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.