1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped