Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Single and childfree like Jesus
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.