I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
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I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything