No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.