Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S