At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Nothing.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys