Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
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[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.