A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
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(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.