“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Yes my dude
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.