imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
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If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
i actually laughed 😩
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.