[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits