“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?