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“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I wish I could veto my bills.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.