Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5