what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
You Might Also Like
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Netflix and you sit over there.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
This is so me 😂😂
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla