Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
You Might Also Like
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]