No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
You Might Also Like
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Rt to bother an English speaker
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?