Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
*names my little horse OneTrick*
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”