My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
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Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
my mom making me talk to relatives
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie