Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break