I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”