Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
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Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh