My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
You Might Also Like
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Breaking news:
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.