This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I saw this ending much differently.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.