If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
You Might Also Like
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.