I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.