Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
#NeverForget
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”