All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Put the is in disheveled
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.