I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
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I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My flabber has been gasted.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.