Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Livid.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*