I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know