The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.