Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
why isn’t thunder called soundning
me logging onto twitter
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast