Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
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Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
#merica
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.