I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
sugar glider wrangler
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like