I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Webb. James Webb.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.