I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
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I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My what?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus