NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
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I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
#CatsOnTwitter
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor