*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
rich people when they have to pay taxes