if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money