police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
You Might Also Like
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Worst bar ever.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans