Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
You Might Also Like
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Life is a suicide mission.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.