Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
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My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Imma just leave this here…………
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My dating profile:
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.