pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.