*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
You Might Also Like
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
August 8
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors